Who were the pin-ups that drove us to the bathroom in the 80s? Which godsends of heavenly flesh sent us to fantasy land? Which famous totty had you thinking of someone else while banging the missus?
Below, with some help from the boys in the office (thanks to J, Jason, and Slaaaaaggg!) and some of the girls (dirty minxes)are my top 20 as they were in the 80s.
Firstly some notable mentions.
Jamie Lee Curtis
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More of a hotty in the 70s, she gets an honourable mention for getting those marvellous funbags out in Trading Places
Dana Plato
Better known as Kimberley in Different Strokes, she moved onto entirely different types of stroke later on in the porn industry before commiting suicide in 1999.
Goldie Hawn
Let's be honest, there are more attractive women famous in the 80s, but her name is Horn spelt differently which is enough to warrant mention.
The Top 20
20 - Catherine Bach
Who? I hear you say. Famous for wearing hot pants while leaping out of the way of the General Lee. Any idea yet? That's right, sandwiched right between cousins Luke and Bo on the back seat of a Dodge charger was Daisy Duke. Mmmmm cut off denim hot pants...
19 - Melanie and Martina Grant
I'd give my left testicle to have slept with Melanie. I give my right one to have slept with Martina. To sleep with the Funhouse twins at the same time would create a paradox where I then wouldn't have the desire to shag either. I bet Pat Sharpe never had this problem.
18 - Bananarama
So I'm cheating a little here, I couldn't make my mind up who was the hottest between Keren and Sara. So I'll have a foursome with them all in my very own bonerama.
17 - Melinda Culea
The A-Team's first season token female may have been a pain in the ass on set, but she was always looking good on screen. She lacked the sex appeal and the bazookas of her 'replacement' Marla Heasley, but she was prettier and had a nicer ass.
16 - Meg Ryan
She never looked better than she did in Innerspace, when she had a few more curves. She was still maintaining a high bangbility score at the end of the 80s when Billy Crystal sorted her in When Harry Met Sally. It was the perm that did it for me in that one.
15 - Debbie Harry
Blondie - classical striking features adorning her sexy figure. Bright red lipstick accentuating those luscious lips. What more could you want? I have a few ideas Debbie so please please Call Me.
14 - Kelly Preston
John Travolta's wife deserves a top 20 spot for how good she looked in Twins. Imagine losing your cherry to that (like Arnie's character did), phwaorr slap slap slap. Her spunkiness in Space Camp gets her some bonus points too.
13 - Kim Basinger
No 80s list can be complete without Kim, she epitomised sex in the 80s. I'm surprised I've placed her so low, maybe I've been put off by the thought of fireworks going off outside the bedroom window a la My Stepmother is an Alien.
12 - Debbie Gibson
The nemesis to the other 80s teen sensation Tiffany, was better looking and not ginger. People will remember Tiffany's music more and for longer, but this list is about something that transcends talent. Both took it all off for Playboy. 80sstrikesback salutes you.
11 - Elizabeth Shue
Anyone who appears in films titled Adventures in Babysitting and Cocktail may sound like a porn star and thus appeal to my below the gutter instincts, however, she was clean cut, wholesome and you knew there was a great shag simmering beneath the girl next door.
10 - Michelle Pfeiffer
In the 80s, Michelle had an innocence about her that appeals to all men. The innocence that you want to corrupt. Of course the blonde hair and blue eyes may have helped.
9 - Susanna Hoffs
Frontwoman of The Bangles, owner of gorgeous large eyes, big unruly hold-it-up-during-sex hair, ovesized filthy-slut hoop earings, and invader of my wet dreams. Never mind walking like an egyptian, I'll make you walk like John Wayne.
8 - Mia Sara
Little known Mia Sarapocciello rides the Ferris Bueller express right into number 8. Check out her fantastic Jubbly Wubblies in Black Day Blue Night. No, I never heard of it either, but I'm sure it would be worth a watch.
7 - Dana Delaney
A choice which probably has most people saying "Who?". Worked her girl-next-door charms in China Beach towards the end of the 80s, its my list, she is beautiful, and fit to boot, she's my seventh heaven.
6 - Kylie Minogue
If this was a list of world's current sexiest ass, Kylie is the undisputed champion. I must admit, this does influence her position on this list, but clean looks, a wide smile and a innocence you want to banish wins her the number 6 spot. I should be so lucky.
5 - Lea Thompson
Queen of the 80s teen, mistress of the coy minxes, the ultimate girl next door. Lea Thompson is just sexy in all the films she stars in from Space Camp to Casual Sex?. I salute Michael J Fox for his ability to not show one iota of interest when she played his mum in Back to the Future.
4 - Carrie Fisher
It was a tough choice to decide spots 3 and 4, so my tie-breaker was how they aged. Carrie lost. Looking back to the early 80s she was hot hot hot. Let me buy a whole army of pints for the man who suggested she wear that gold bikini in Return of the Jedi. If I was Luke Skywalker, I wouldn't care if it was incest. A known drug user in the late 70s I quiver at the thought of her snorting a line of coke off my ere.....oh behave.
3 - Glynis Barber
What can we say about the total babe who played the stunning half of Dempsey and Makepeace. She does these fair isles proud (although born in South Africa), and I will be eternally envious of her husband Michael Brandon (who played Dempsey). Fair play to you fella. I may have even put aside my hatred of soaps to watch you in Emmerdale had I known.
2 - Kelly Lebrock
Narrowly missing out on the number one spot, although probably controversially given my bias towards the winner. Nethertheless, Lebrock just makes me want to cream everytime I watch Weird Science. What do you expect from an ex-model. We're even lucky enough to get a beaver shot in The Woman in Red. Always makes me think of women's gymnastics.
1 - Christina Applegate
I debated whether or not to include Christina in my top 20 of the 80s given that she only really hit the big time in 1987 at the age of 16 with Married With Children. But, she had completely babed out by the end of the decade and has had me engorged ever since. This is why she has been included. Only Sarah Michelle Gellar has challenged her for the position of my all time fantasy fuck. If I was Al Bundy, I'd be finding any reason to put you over my knee. Christina, you are my number one ranked totty of the 1980s.
All chauvinism in this article is entirely intentional and totally necessary. If you feel upset by it, I don't really care. To even things out I will post an article with the top 20 hunks of the 80s, but I'm not writing it. If you are one of the ladies on this list, and feel the need for an illicit encounter, feel free to contact me. Just don't tell the girlfriend.
